Yes, I know... I am terrible at this blogging thing. I never really managed to find any consistency, and for a long time now I was either back in school (got my associates, yay!) or was really struggling with writer's block, anxiety, and a general lack of inspiration. I had completely forgotten about this little blogging attempt until this blog post flooded my mind this morning. I then had to go figure out how to reset my passwords to reactivate the account. I considered just starting over with a new blog or maybe putting it as a long post on Facebook, but when I re-read the old posts here I found that they still fit pretty well & that their honesty is as good a place to start as anything new I could come up with.
I suppose I should start by giving a little update on life. The son is now grown and out of the house. The daughter is in middle school & nearly as tall as me. The hubs and I are doing great & will celebrate 19 years of marriage next month. Still active in my church, just teaching Sunday School at the preschool level instead of the teenagers now. The biggest change would be that I am currently unemployed. Not to fear, it is a situation of choice, but since it is a major factor in this blog post title, I figured I should probably get that fact on out there.
So, finally, here it is - the most painful question I have been asked of late...
"What do you do all day?"
I know it is usually asked out of curiosity (or jealously) by those who are still working, but sometimes it just feels mean. It actually makes me physically cringe to think how long term stay at home mom's with little ones feel when they get asked this question. It is as though the very words are pointing fingers and taunting or poking at me for not doing enough to support my family. I know I have no reason to feel guilty or somehow less valuable to society, but I often find that is exactly how I react when faced with this question.
The truth is that I've always worked. When I had my daughter I took off six weeks, and one other time I managed to work out a two week long vacation, but those are the longest stretches of time off that I have had in the last 24 years. There were many factors that played into our choice for me to leave my last job a few months ago, but even remembering all those, I still have to fight off the guilt that the world (& my own inner critic) would like to pile on me.
But for anyone who finds her(or him)self in a similar position to me, here is the good news. YOU ARE ENOUGH! You don't have to prove your value to anyone. By the mere fact that GOD CREATED YOU and gave you a purpose, you are enough. Can we all find ways to improve ourselves and do more on the day to day? Probably... but that doesn't mean that we are failing. Success measured by the world's standards would put me right back where I was four months ago - spending many hours every day doing something that felt meaningless and empty. Success by God's standards gives me the freedom to enjoy this new adventure He has given me. Will I get another job? Yes, I am actually starting to look for my next employment opportunity now & would appreciate your prayers that I remain in God's will. But for right now, in this very moment, what I am doing is enough.
So for the curious, here is my answer to the most painful question. I cook, and am slowly finding that I enjoy it again. I clean, and find that it is still not my favorite way to spend time, but at least now it's not rushed and all crammed into every Saturday. I am better prepared for my Sunday School teaching commitment each week. I get to read my Bible and spend time journaling and in prayer EVERY DAY. I am exercising more, and although you can't see much difference in my weight, I feel better. I am playing with some hobbies that have interested me for years but never had the energy or patience to learn back when I still worked full time. I am enjoying my daughter and my husband when they are home with me. I am much more present in the moment, not just checking one more item off the never ending to-do list.
And the sum of all that is enough.
