The most painful question I've been asked lately...

Yes, I know...  I am terrible at this blogging thing.  I never really managed to find any consistency, and for a long time now I was either back in school (got my associates, yay!) or was really struggling with writer's block, anxiety, and a general lack of inspiration.  I had completely forgotten about this little blogging attempt until this blog post flooded my mind this morning.  I then had to go figure out how to reset my passwords to reactivate the account.  I considered just starting over with a new blog or maybe putting it as a long post on Facebook, but when I re-read the old posts here I found that they still fit pretty well & that their honesty is as good a place to start as anything new I could come up with. 

I suppose I should start by giving a little update on life.  The son is now grown and out of the house.  The daughter is in middle school & nearly as tall as me.  The hubs and I are doing great & will celebrate 19 years of marriage next month.  Still active in my church, just teaching Sunday School at the preschool level instead of the teenagers now.  The biggest change would be that I am currently unemployed.  Not to fear, it is a situation of choice, but since it is a major factor in this blog post title, I figured I should probably get that fact on out there.

So, finally, here it is - the most painful question I have been asked of late... 

"What do you do all day?" 

I know it is usually asked out of curiosity (or jealously) by those who are still working, but sometimes it just feels mean.  It actually makes me physically cringe to think how long term stay at home mom's with little ones feel when they get asked this question.  It is as though the very words are pointing fingers and taunting or poking at me for not doing enough to support my family.  I know I have no reason to feel guilty or somehow less valuable to society, but I often find that is exactly how I react when faced with this question. 

The truth is that I've always worked.  When I had my daughter I took off six weeks, and one other time I managed to work out a two week long vacation, but those are the longest stretches of time off that I have had in the last 24 years.  There were many factors that played into our choice for me to leave my last job a few months ago, but even remembering all those, I still have to fight off the guilt that the world (& my own inner critic) would like to pile on me. 

But for anyone who finds her(or him)self in a similar position to me, here is the good news.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!  You don't have to prove your value to anyone.  By the mere fact that GOD CREATED YOU and gave you a purpose, you are enough.  Can we all find ways to improve ourselves and do more on the day to day?  Probably... but that doesn't mean that we are failing.  Success measured by the world's standards would put me right back where I was four months ago - spending many hours every day doing something that felt meaningless and empty.  Success by God's standards gives me the freedom to enjoy this new adventure He has given me.  Will I get another job?  Yes, I am actually starting to look for my next employment opportunity now & would appreciate your prayers that I remain in God's will.  But for right now, in this very moment, what I am doing is enough.

So for the curious, here is my answer to the most painful question.  I cook, and am slowly finding that I enjoy it again.  I clean, and find that it is still not my favorite way to spend time, but at least now it's not rushed and all crammed into every Saturday.  I am better prepared for my Sunday School teaching commitment each week.  I get to read my Bible and spend time journaling and in prayer EVERY DAY.  I am exercising more, and although you can't see much difference in my weight, I feel better.  I am playing with some hobbies that have interested me for years but never had the energy or patience to learn back when I still worked full time.  I am enjoying my daughter and my husband when they are home with me.  I am much more present in the moment, not just checking one more item off the never ending to-do list. 

And the sum of all that is enough.

Three-fold Lesson from a Tree Frog

(Yes, I do realize how long it has been since I posted last.  And no, this is not a promise that I will be posting anymore often in the future.  Just felt like sharing what was on my mind today!)

 

     This morning I got in my car to come to work and smiled as I swished last night’s cute little tree frog footprints off my windshield.  As I got going down the road, the windshield had fogged up on the outside a bit, so I swiped it again – only this time, the poor little stowaway froggy decided to jump up into the path of the wiper blade.  I was sick to my stomach.  I don’t like to harm any of God’s creatures, even if it was unintentional.  So here are the lessons I was given as I drove on to work, trying hard not to look at the bottom of my windshield.

1)      From the tree frogs point of view:  How often do we play out there in the edge of somewhere dangerous?  We’ve gotten away with it (language, alcohol, inappropriate relationships, etc.) for long enough that we don’t even see the danger we have put ourselves in anymore.  Or it might have been the very first time we jumped out there to try it, and something we didn’t see coming snuck up on us and cleaned our clocks.  Danger is danger and sin is sin.  It’s not safe if we only do it a little while.  It’s not ok if we have gotten away with it all night long – sin is sin and it carries consequences.  Sometimes very harsh ones.

2)      From the drivers point of view:  Have you ever unintentionally hurt someone?  Maybe it was your words that swiped right out of your mouth and knocked someone down.  You may not have even known they were there and in a position to be hurt, but that doesn’t excuse us from the harm we cause.  Even “harmless” gossip can be a killer – we all know it can cause lasting harm to a friendship, but think what it could do to a new Christian, or maybe one who was just starting to consider God’s offer of salvation.  We need to take responsibility for our words and our actions.  We are accountable to God for our lives to lift up others and to not ever tear them down – even accidentally.

3)      From God’s point of view:  That frog was a goner.  I knew it the whole time I drove in to work trying not to look at his tiny little toes caught under the blade.  If he wasn’t dead yet, he would be so damaged there would be no hopping for him ever again.  But you know what?  I got out of the car with a napkin, steeling myself to lift the wiper blade and remove the victim of my heinous crime.  I debated with myself if I could even do it, or just leave it there and have my hubby do it when I got home, but I sucked it up and decided I caused the damage, so the least I could do was to not let him bake all day.  And do you know what happened?  I lifted that blade and he pulled himself together and hopped away.  Just like that.  I thought it was hopeless.  I knew it was over.  There was no way he could survive that.  But he did.  God can do that for us too.  When it is so hopeless, when we are so very broken, when we are pinned down and can’t even begin to get ourselves out of the situation we are in, God is there.  He is bigger than any trouble we might get ourselves into and He will lift that big troublesome burden off of us and help us pull it back together and move forward again.  Because He loves us.  He loves us soooo much more than He loves that frog…

 

God loves me.  And He reminded me of that through an experience with a little green tree frog this morning.  Thank you, Father.

Satisfaction

Recently I have found myself wondering what it is that I really want.  I have a wonderful family that I love dearly.  I have a good job with hours that work perfectly for my family.  I have enough money to pay the bills and a little left to stick in savings.  We have a nice home with plenty of comforts.  We are blessed with good health in general.  I attend a great church where I have the opportunity to sing and where I lead the youth group.  Yet I kept feeling like something was missing.  I went through a phase where I really wanted to go back to school and continue my education (crazy I know - I actually LIKE school) but money and time were an issue.  Next I was possessed by an intense desire to take piano lessons again, but I’m already paying for violin lessons for my daughter, so now was not the time for that either.  I then decided that what I needed was more responsibility and challenge from my job, but that would very likely change my work schedule which would in turn interrupt my family’s schedule.  I embarked upon the meal planning routine a few weeks ago, which turned out to be a good idea & seems to be working well for us so far, but even that was born out of this series of desires to change/improve myself in some way.

What was wrong with me?  What was I missing that was leaving me so dissatisfied? 

I’m not sure if I have the whole answer, but I’ve been putting some thought into the issue and this is what I’ve come up with.  It’s not rocket science, or even life changing, but I think I’m on the right track with this.

I’ve been forgetting to be consciously grateful for all my blessings lately.  I’ve let myself get caught up in the worldly thinking that more is better, and though I’ve been spending time in prayer – it has been lacking in the praise and thanksgiving department.  I let myself get caught up in praying for the urgent needs of my friends, family members and the kids in my youth group.  Now, I know that intercessory prayer is important and I know that God listens when I bring others to him in prayer, but I was missing the part of prayer that satisfies my soul and gives me hope and purpose.  I have a good and faithful God who loves and provides for me.  I don’t need anything more in this life than the things He has seen fit to give me, yet I don’t want to become so comfortable that I stagnate in my relationship with my Creator.  My desire is to find the balance between satisfied and seeking… but I think that is a topic for a future blog.  Right now I just need to start by working on the conciously grateful thing.

Thank you, God, for using my own ramblings to gently remind me of the depth of your love for me.  I acknowledge that your blessings are very real and bountiful in my life and I deny any place in my life to the worldly dissatisfaction that seeks to consume me.  Help me to remember how important it is to praise you and to regularly count my blessings as I spend time in prayer with you.  Help me remember to look for the goodness and beauty in the world around me, because you are a Holy God - great and mighty, not only in power, but also in love.

Amen.

Routines

Why is it that I struggle so much with setting (and FOLLOWING) routines for myself?  I’ve read and thoroughly believe every word that Flylady Marla Cilley preaches about making routines that work (www.flylady.net).  And I know for a fact that they do work – I am very strict with the evening routines for my kids, especially the elementary age daughter.  She functions best when she eats at six, showers at seven, reads a chapter of our current book with me at eight, and then prayers go up, music turns on and the lights go out by 8:15.  We wash clothes on the weekend when she has time to put them up right away & we use a 5 hole sweater shelf that hangs from the closet rod to organize her school uniforms for the coming week. 

I know that I would function better if I had everything planned out and ready to go like that, but there is something inside me that just completely REBELS at the thought of me having to keep to a schedule like that - especially having a set bedtime!  It’s almost like trying to make a typical 4 yr old eat brussel sprouts – the fit pitching, whiney little brat just takes over this otherwise sensible adult.  I sleep better when I go to bed by 10.  I get up better when I go to bed by 10.  I’m not accomplishing anything productive if I am up past 10.  In fact, I’m usually playing on Facebook or dozing off in front of the TV by this point in the evening, so WHY do I not just send myself on to bed where I can actually get some rest? 

A whole nother schedule related issue (terrible grammar, I know and I apologize to all my grammaraholic friends, but that is just how my brain says it): Why do I refuse to make a cleaning schedule and then stick with it?  Instead, it all gets put off until the weekend and then takes several hours instead of just 20 or 30 minutes per day.  Also, I usually try to make menu plans before I grocery shop on Saturday morning, but it is such a painful chore that I put it off until the last minute & then harass the kids with it.  “What do you want for dinner this week?”  “Pizza”, “Hamburgers”, “Chicken Nuggets” – “Don’t y’all remember that we are trying to eat healthier? And besides, we just ate that this last week…”  It’s not a very good start to the already un-fun weekly grocery gettin trip.

But enough complaining - let me tell you about my latest plan for self improvement.  My mother suggested this over the weekend and it struck a cord with me, so I am going to give it a go.  A multi-week rotating menu plan!  This is not a revolutionary new idea, I know, but for some reason it makes sense to me now.  She suggested a three week rotation, but my family has more favorite meals than that, so I started writing down ideas and came up with a six week version of our “Supper Solution”.  All the Mondays are meatless.  All the Tuesdays and Thursdays feature a salad plus a meat.  All the Wednesdays are relatively quick to fix because we are so busy that night.  It’s not Nobel Peace Prize worthy, but maybe it can bring a little peace to my Saturday morning grocery list making routine.

So why do I spill my guts about this for all of y’all to sit back and secretly laugh at me and my bratty, disorganized inner self and my feeble attempt at beating that brat into submission?  Well, I guess I’m hoping for some accountability here with my latest attempt at getting organized.  Not that I actually want any of you to call me up and harass me about my progress.  (And if you remember my phone phobia thing, you know darn well that I’m not going to call anyone and report in.)  It’s just that if I’ve put it out there, maybe I’ll do better at following through.  That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.

Sleep well tonight on my behalf – I’m going to stay up too late again tonight and then wake up tired.  I don’t think my inner brat puts up with too many changes (even good ones) all at the same time. 

Nyquil Nightmares

I am very prone to having strange dreams.  Very real feeling strange dreams.  Very vividly detailed real feeling strange dreams.  I used to just share them with the girls at the office to give them a laugh, but now that I have a blog I somehow feel obligated, and interestingly, excited to share this one with the world.

First, let me begin by explaining about the Nyquil.  Every time I take some, I end up having one of those vividly detailed real feeling strange dreams and then I pop right up in bed wide awake and there is no going back to sleep for me.  I do not understand why Nyquil doesn’t last all night for me.  No matter what time I take it, or how badly I need it, it only lasts for about 5 hours – 6 if I am really lucky.  Why exactly does this medicine intended to help you sleep while curing the whole plethora of sick symptoms not last all night?  Anyway – my body must be extremely sensitive to the meds found in Nyquil because last night at 10:30 I went and poured a dose & brought it back to bed for my sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so he could rest husband.  And then I went to right to sleep, had the strangely vivid dream I am about to share with you, and popped right up out of bed editing this blog post in my mind after exactly six hours of sleep.  Let me tell you, I NEVER pop out of bed after only six hours of sleep.  I could sleep for 10 hours most of the time and even fully rested and wide awake, I still don’t POP out of bed – I EASE out.  So why did I get the Nyquil side effects without actually taking the Nyquil?  I don’t think I can even begin to explain this one, so let’s just move on to the dream…

So here goes.  I warned you it was strange, so read on at your own risk… 

In real life, I work in the relatively small office area of a pretty large manufacturing and repair facility.  In my dream, the mechanics were all squished up in the small office area and there were thousands of cubicles all over the plant floor.  Every cubicle I passed seemed to have a facebook friend in it.  And every person that I thought I knew sounded like someone completely different when they spoke to me.  There were accents from all around the globe coming out of the mouths of all these familiar people.  Then the really strange and real feeling part was that when I spoke back to them, I took on their accent!  Now, occasionally I’ve been asked where I’m from because people couldn’t place the accent – the southern drawl only comes out really bad once I get tired – the only giveaway most of the time is that I say y’all.  Y’all is as natural to me as gravy on a biscuit.  Oh, and nice.  My son always says that I am the most country sounding person ever when I say “Be nice” to him and the daughter because it comes out more like “Be neyes y’all”.  

Anyway, back to the dream.  I was trying to finish up at work and my oddly Indian-accented boss gave me one more assignment to finish before I could leave.  I kept saying “I have to get my daughter from daycare – I’m going to be late!”  (Understand please, she is long since out of daycare.)  So I finally finish up and head out to my car.  Only there were these people standing all around it.   Some leaning down to look under it & several surrounding it to look in the windows.  I ask what’s going on and they say they just love my car and want to see the inside.  So I open it up & it is a crusty, nasty, piled high mess.  My car is NOT like this in reality - I’m not saying it’s perfect by any means, but dirt in the floormats and the occasional stray cd, a piece of junk mail, or possibly a forgotten stuffed animal is about as bad as it gets.  I was mortified in my dream & the people just started pawing through the trash and food bags trying to see the seat fabric.  It was rather disgusting.  No.  It was REALLY disturbingly disgusting. 

And then I woke up. 

And felt some strange compulsion to share this dream with you. 

If you have any insight, please feel free to share.  I’m not sure what this dream has to say about me, but I sure wish I had actually taken that Nyquil last night because then I would at least have an excuse.

Have a great day!

…and sweet dreams tonight!

Meatless Monday

Today was our first attempt at Meatless Monday (no innuendo intended - this is not that kind of blog ya know) and how do you think it went over?  If you guessed a favorable outcome, you are a winner!  The lentil soup and oatmeal bread were a total success!  With the help of a little Tabasco, even the son had to admit he liked it.  The daughter was my kitchen helper for the afternoon, so she was excited about it long before it was ready to sample.  She was so busy talking about how good the yeast smelled and kept tasting the bread dough and snacking on the raw veggies that I didn’t know if she would even have room for supper.

You might ask what inspired me to try this little foray into the world of vegetarian cooking & I would have to be honest and say it’s because I’m, ummm, well-padded (fat is such an ugly word).  Lately I find that I’m having trouble staying motivated to exercise, so I figured I’d better try to find some simple ways for us to eat more healthful meals so I don’t pack back on ALL the pounds I had managed to lose last year.  I brought up this Meatless Monday idea and the need for us to eat more salads with the hubby over the weekend and couldn’t believe it when he agreed to give them both a try.  I guess his ok for one vegetarian menu per week is not a total surprise since one of his all time favorite meals is eggplant parmesan, but I really thought I would get more resistance to the idea.  Thankfully he went along with it and we ended up with a successful first attempt.  Hopefully I'll find lots more yummy meatless recipes and we will be able to keep this idea up for awhile.  If you have any suggestions for our next Meatless Monday menu (or any other ideas for eating healty), please feel free to comment - our waistbands will thank you.  

Happy & Healthy Eating!

Sweet Little Nothings

Don’t you just love all the sweet little things that your kids make and give to you?  I am not talking about the school & church projects that are well planned and semi-supervised by teachers.  Don’t get me wrong, those are great and I have a boxful of them that I will cherish for all my life.  But what I’m talking about right now are the sweet little nothings – the scraps and bits and pieces that anyone other than a mother would think were just trash.  The tiny sketches with misspelled words and buttons and beads and ribbons taped or glued on.  The sheets of notebook paper professing unending love and then carefully rolled up like a scroll and stickered so thoroughly that you have trouble opening it.  The crooked construction paper hearts and the pipe cleaner flowers.  The favorite rock or playground treasure, sacrificed to make the perfect impromptu gift just for me.

I know from experience with my high school son that the days of receiving these gifts are numbered, so I find that I have trouble parting with any of these precious little gifts from my elementary school daughter.  Well, to be honest, I just don’t throw any of it away.  Ever.  This is making quite a mess out of my top dresser drawer, but I don’t care.  I can open that drawer at any point in time and I feel a smile that starts in my heart. 

It may not be a messy drawer full of sweet little nothings for you, but I hope that you too have something that warms you from the inside and makes you feel loved.  Something that can make you forget all about the spilled milk and whiney mornings.  I’ll bet it’s a little bit like how God feels when we take the time to thank Him for His love and sacrificially give back to Him with our time and talents.  Our efforts are far from perfect, but when they are given from a grateful heart, I’m pretty sure they make God smile.